Saturday, 7 February 2015

Wish I'd Never Grown Up.

Looking around me I can't help but notice how much has changed.

It's quite strange to realise how far people have came in life in such a short period of time. Although it's been just under 5 years since I finished school (thank god) I can honestly say that it doesn't feel like two minutes ago that we were sat on a field drinking a cheap bottle of cider, or walking around in school uniforms dreading the day ahead of us, thinking we were in the worst place in the entire world. Was it really that bad? I mean, I hated school, I really did, but I miss the freedom, the fact that we didn't have a single care in the world. I miss the lack of stress that school involved. 

Quite a lot of people whom I used to know once upon a time now have a partner, finance, or are even  married and that's a great thing for you and I congratulate you, I just can't help but wonder when this will happen for me…although I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! That could be anything from Film Maker to Forensic Anthropologist, I don't have the slightest clue! 

So much has changed in such a short space of time.

I do have my own house, I have grown up a little bit, give me some credit! I am slowly entering the adult world, I may be living with my best friend and our house may be party central 90% of the week but still! Give credit where credit is due!

Noticing all of the changes people have experienced has given me the ammunition I need to reflect upon my life and who I am. I may not be the girl/women who has been working since they were 16, I may not have a boyfriend/fiancé/husband and I may not be with child, but that doesn't mean I don't encounter some of life's great struggles, trust me, I do! I would honestly say that I have had quite a few struggles in life, each time this has happened, I have fought my way through to the other side, coming out a better person than the moment I started.

I'm now 21 and I should probably start thinking more seriously about my future, although in all honesty? I don't really care what happens, so long as I am happy and have fun in life, that's all I want. That and to travel, but I talk about that way too much. 

I think the most noticeable reason for my lack of knowledge on the adult world is due to the fact that I have spent so much time stuck in the education system that I just haven't got a clue. Since I finished school I went to college and then to university, why you might ask? Because that's what I was told to do. I was told that if I were to go down this route in life, then I would come out on top with the job of my dreams, I was told that if I didn't do this I'd basically become a failure, I did this to make my mother proud, that's all I have ever wanted to do, but should this be making her proud when I am so unhappy? I'm honestly jealous of the people who finished school and decided to take it upon themselves to go and get a job straight away, I wish this was what I had chosen to do, my life would seem to have more meaning, I wouldn't be stuck in the rut I am in now.What I really want is to own my own video production company and if not? I want to teach media, to he honest theres a lot I want to do, I often get confused and feel uncertain about it all.

I'm getting a little sidetracked as usual!

I haven't had the typical 9-5 job (I mean I never want that) I've just had the university life, it's like a none stop party and it's great! I still find bodily functions to be rather humorous and if you ever involve the words "do do" together in a sentence then more fool you because I'm going to be rolling on the floor laughing for a good 10 minutes.

I'm really struggling with the idea of coming to terms with the life I have chosen, I chose to go to university, that's something I did, although other peoples opinions on how my life would turn out without this did influence this decision quite a bit. On the plus side, day drinking and waking up past 12pm are a regular occurrence for me. 

I think it's unfair that during school we are told that the grades we get and what we choose to study at college will determine the rest of our lives. I felt too young then and at 21 I still feel too young, too young to decide where I'm heading in life, too young to decide on a specific career, I don't think it's an easy decision. I fear that I should of worked for a little bit once finishing school, took the time out to decide who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go, I'm just as clueless now as when I was 16.

I have too many dreams in life. Knowing that I probably won't get the chance to live out the majority of them, if any, leaves me unmotivated. I've spent so much time already thinking I was working towards my dream, but now when I stand back and take that moment to really have a good look, I notice that's not the case, I'm not where I want to be, nor am I who I want to be.

Things in my life are going to change. I'm going to start living for me, Im going to start going things that make me happy. When the day I've been longing for (Graduation) comes about, I'm going to commit to being my true self, commit to finding happiness. I don't want to stay stuck in this godforsaken awful place any longer than I have to, I plan on traveling, making a difference in the world. 

Sorry for the rant, I occasionally get a little side tracked…

Happy 7th February, have a lovely day!


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