Sunday, 27 July 2014

This is me

I've spent so many hours, days and years of my life trying to love myself, who I am and who I am always going to for the entirety of my life…I find it so hard.

This is always going to be me, I'm never going to change, maybe one day I will be skinny, maybe even pretty but I find that one of the hardest things to believe. I'm never going to be the skinny, beautiful girl who is amazing at everything. This is me. I am always going to be me, I need to learn to accept myself. It's so hard looking around me at everyone else, realising that I'm never going to be like them, I'm always going to be me, I need to accept it. I try so hard, some days I think "Hey, you don't look half bad" Then I take a second glance in the mirror. I hope that in the future I don't hate myself as much as I do now, I hope I learn to accept myself.

When I look back at my life, to this time last year, one thing I realise is that although I have never liked myself, I liked myself much more then than I do now. I have spent the past year of my life trying to improve myself so that I can love myself…so why do i hate myself now more than ever? I hate so much about myself, I do like my eyes, it's possibly the one thing about myself that I do like and that's just because they are different and looking back, I used to hate those too. Its good to like one thing about myself right? But there are still so many other things that I have spent my life wanting to change, wanting to be different. 

I'm not going to lie, I am quite scared that I will never accept who I am, I will never accept how I look and that this if my face, the only face I will have, these are my legs and this is my stomach, and perfect is the last thing I am. I know that some things can be changed and I will do everything in my power to change what can be changed, but what do i do about the things that cant be changed? Do I just hate them for the rest of my life? I hope not.

I'm scared that I am always going to be socially awkward. I never used to be so awkward socially, not until my accident, until I feared leaving my house and having any form of human contact. I find every situation awkward, people think I'm stuck up or just rude because I don't talk to them, I can't stress enough that this isn't the case. I have genuine fears of talking to people, I can't handle the pressure, people are too judgemental and I hate it. I can't even talk to my university tutors properly, not without getting hot sweats resulting in me almost having panic attacks, I just can't handle it, I find it so overwhelming and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how I will ever be successful in myself and my life if I find every situation awkward. 

I can't stand the looks people give you. Maybe they aren't aimed at you, or you're seeing something that isn't really there, maybe you're reading into something too much, but you don't realise that and they don't know and it hurts. People hurt people more than anything else. People are the cruellest species. I would rather be a cat spending my days eating and sleeping, not caring if I was fat because a fat cat is cute…in fact a fat anything is cute, apart from humans. If we are fat we are ugly and we are made to feel the lowest of the low. 

I see people, who aren't perfect and they love themselves and I have spent so much of my life wondering how they do it. Why can't I do it? Why do I find it so hard? Some days I just want to be someone else, I just want to look like someone else. Some days I accept myself a little, I think about how much I'm going to love myself in the future and how it's just going to take time, but I'm unsure. 

I spend so much of my life pretending that I am happy with myself, no one else needs to know that I'm not, positive energy reflects upon everyone and as soon as one person acts negatively, everyone does.

I hope one day I look back and laugh at how stupid I was being, I hope I learn to love myself because how and why do I expect other people to love me if I can't even love myself.

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